My last post as a 20-something (and its not that great to be honest)

So its spring time, and you know what that means, don't you? It means babies are being born left right and centre at The Ranch. Babies of the calf and lamb variety mostly. Maybe a few kids, being the young offspring of goats. Semi-relatedly, I own a pair of kid-skin gloves, I enjoy tormenting human children, telling them that I could use a new pair of gloves. Few of them understand my humour. I don't doubt I have caused nightmares.

Where am I going with this? Well, it's all lead to an interesting few text messages, the kind that you might not see every day:

Sarah: "Matt, have you got the farmers phone number? There's a dead mother cow in the front yard next door. The calf is snuggling up to it while another cow eats the placenta"
Matt: "I don't have his number, how do you know it's dead and not just chillin after birthing a calf?"
Sarah: "Well, it doesn't seem to be breathing, and its not responding to me mooing at it"

I hadn't realised she was multilingual, let alone a bovine-whisperer. Handy skills to have if you're ever required to converse with a cow. Or a dead one, as is this case. Would that make her a bovine-ghost-whisperer? Jennifer Love Hewitt better watch her back!*

In my folly or forgetfulness, I didn't ask her what she specifically moo'd at the cow to get its attention, what do you moo at a cow? Something simple and practical like "Hey cow, are you dead" (using google translation it comes out as 'Moo. Moo moo. Moooooo. Mo-oo?') or something alarmist like "Oi Cow! Look out! That other cow is eating your placenta! Its stealing your stem cells!!"? Is it possible that the placenta-chomping cow was harvesting stem cells in an attempt to raise the mother cow from the dead, thus de-oprhanising the calf, and making a major medical breakthrough at the same time? We may never know.

So, with my birthday only hours away, and the party not far behind it, I am thinking that steak will be the meal of the day. Not only would it be fresher than most meat you'd buy at a supermarket, it would also be very free. Although I'm sure the farmer might sense something odd is going on when a horde of hat wearing weirdos chow down on an unbutchered cow carcass as an orphan calf moos sadly in the background. Given that I don't have much experience in cooking full animals, I can only imagine you just cover it in petrol, throw a match and let nature do its thing? Save me the face, that's where the best meat is!

At Kieran's suggestion, I asked Sarah if she'd mind cutting off a few steaks for me. Her response was that she may never eat again. I declined Kieran's further suggestions of using exceptionally lame, dad-style jokes about 'the situation mooving you' and other such nonsense.

*Whilst I am aware of the Ghost Whisperer show, and the JLH is the 'star', I can happily say I have never sat through
more than 3 minutes of it, total, in my lifetime.